My motivation comes in waves, and then the black dog follows me around during the times when my motivation is gone. So, for me, starting new things is hard, and following them through is even harder.
Lately, I’ve been pretty low. Lots of happy things have been happening: the new flat is great and living with Chris is amazing. But that doesn’t seem to protect me from being hit by things that aren’t going so great: finding a new job closer to home; getting assignments done; viruses and migraines striking. But today, I had a break from all the crap, focused on how great things are, and that picked me up enough to get shit done.
So, I’ve started on one of my assignments; I’ve organised an appointment to get a DSA application sorted out; I’ve applied for three jobs, and done a whole load of other little things that I’ve been putting off for weeks.
I was talking to Chris about how I’ve been feeling and it got me thinking that the main thing standing in my way at the moment is my complete lack of confidence in anything I do. I love my job, but I’m having to leave because the travel means it isn’t financially viable. I don’t make cakes anymore… I don’t even bake as a hobby. My assignments don’t feel very purposeful outside of getting a module grade, which means I’m not enthusiastic about what I’m writing. I don’t do anything creative anymore: I don’t write (aside from the occasional post on here); I don’t draw; I don’t bake; I don’t make anything. I signed up to do a stall at my university Christmas market, but was turned down because they weren’t accepting anyone selling food items. So the things that I judge my value against aren’t there, and I’m left feeling a bit useless and worthless when I look in the mirror.
I’m working on it though. This weekend, I’m doing the food for Chris’ birthday/our housewarming. I’m working on my assignments. I’m applying for jobs. I’m also thinking about the logistics of starting up Cherish Bakery again, but focusing on postable cookies more, rather than celebration cakes.
We’ll see. As Chris keeps reminding me, things will get better…