I have bipolar disorder. I was only diagnosed recently, but the diagnosis has meant that I can finally put a name to what I’ve been feeling and experiencing.
Right now, I’m very, very low. Depression has a way of catching you when you’re at your best, pushing you off the edge of the Moon back to Earth. So that’s where I am – falling. It’s a rapid descent and I’ve got nothing that can slow me down.
I’m on medication and am trying to see if I can get some kind of talking therapy, but I know the pattern and I’m losing hope for being able to stop this one in its tracks. I tried, but nothing has moved fast enough to slow down the decline of my mood. I don’t want to get up in the mornings, I’m pessimistic, I cry all the time, I’m easily shaken by things that don’t go to plan, I fall into panic at the thought of facing a new day, and I’ve completely lost myself. I’m not myself. I’m an optimistic, happy, bubbly, excitable person who loves life. Now, going to work, getting out of bed, seeing friends, even tidying my room all seem like completely overwhelming tasks.
I’m scared by it, because I recognise the patterns and I know that this never goes away overnight. I’ve been trying to get better and I’m just getting worse. I want to be me again.